Live from The Main Event

Well, I was relaxed. My boy Matt hooked this up for me. The cover for Madden 2010:





Have a day for me Roddy.

I'm in 12th place, most of the big boys have played. Most of my guys are going to come out the gate in the 2nd round of games.

Roddy you glorious bastard!

Off to a nice start, even though it looks like I may have picked the wrong kicker.

I wanted to start the blog earlier, but Stan and the boys had me out late. I'm still a little drunk. Had a great time, all class guys here. I'll be more than happy to congradulate the winner, epecially if it's me.

I'm in 8th place

It looks like I picked the right D though. NYG is getting spanked at home.

I do what I do for you.

I might win $1,000,000, I might win $2,000 but I want you all to know how important you are to me.


Mom and dad, thank you for teaching me the importance of being a compassionate hard working man who would do anything to make things comfortable for his family. I had a moment a few years ago when I realized the most important job in the world is being a good parent. Thank you for doing your job well and giving me the tools I need to do the job well.

I hope I can do something special this weekend that will make things more comfortable for our family and improve your quality of life in your golden years.


Family v2
Thank you for everything you've done for me and my family. You have always been there for us, and I will always be there for you. It's good to know have to loving people you can count on to help us in any way you can like taking care of my beautiful children. I hate seeing you guys worry about 401ks, retirements, and taking vacation days to work on your aging car. You inspire me to work hard to do what I can to help you enjoy your life.




My brothers, i love you silly bastards. It's long been my dream to start a family business we could all get involved in that could provide financial security for all of our families. It would be good if we could be in the position where we could use our hard work, ingenuity, and creativity to run our own shit. I would love it if none of us ever had to be worried about getting laid off or fired

Let's see if Roddy White can do his part this weekend.

Baby, thank you for putting up with me and my football shit all year. Hopefully my hard work will pay off on a big way in a few days, and you can get back to doing what you do well full-time, being a great full-time mother and wife. I love you & can't wait to see tomorrow.




Choo-choo & The Screwball

I didn't know what love was until I looked in your eyes. You mean the world to me and everything I do, I do for you.







Let's see if we can bring it on home.

You get what you pay for.

"wah, wah, wah, all my running backs are hurt"

I love it. Absolutely, love it.

You should have never drafted any of these turds in the 1st place.

Turd #1: Turner (drafted 0 times), way overrated as a top5 pick. Yes, he was starting to turn it on in the two games before he got hurt, but is he in the same class as an All Day AP, MJD, or even a Ray Rice? No

Turd#2: Westbrook (drafted 1 time - yeah so what I took a flyer on him once in round3) Always a good player and always hurt, you knew as soon as you clicked that draft button he was heading to the injury report. That's why I drafted Shady McCoy on 26 of 47 of my teams.

Turd#3: Benson (drafted 0 times) Ok, I admit Cedric is one of the few guys I felt I missed the boat on. I saw every game he played in Chicago, and he never, ever ran in Chicago like he was running prior to the injury. Reportedly, Bernard Scott (drafted 4 times) had a great camp and had a shot to supplant him. Now Marvin Lewis is taking a good amount of heat for overusing Benson, and with the way Scott has been running this will be a 70-30 timeshare when Benson returns. Don't expect any more 35+ carry old school Larry Johnson performances.

Turd#4: Big Larry (drafted 0 times) Did you really think this turd who has done nothing in 2 years was going to get rejuvenated and have a comeback season. On a bad KC team, with a bad Matt Cassell leading the charge?


If you're having RB problems I don't feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but RB depth ain't one.

Don't call it a comeback!

Sixth of fourteen in my personal power rankings but 1st in my heart, my flagship Juggernaut team has come roaring back after starting 3-7 to finish the regular season 11-7 and make this week's championship game.

Thinking I got three first round talents in Brees, S-Jax, & Westbrook I felt great about this team's chances. Starting slow at 3-7 I was pretty bummed about this team knowing the core was strong and it had a good chance to compete.

Even with 46 other teams in various leagues and contests I NEVER GAVE UP.

Seeing a deficiency in my WR3 slot I bid a big chunk of my FA $ money on Kevin Walter. My $34 bid won Walter with someone bidding $31 for him.

What seemed like a bone head move two weeks ago could prove to be the most important move I made. With O Daniels out for the season and Houston's upcoming schedule (6/6 likely in good weather) Walter is lined up for a big second half:

11 TEN @HOU
12 IND @HOU
13 HOU @JAC
14 SEA @HOU
15 HOU @STL
16 HOU @MIA

I think I have the ingredients to cook up something special for the play-offs.

2 Elite QBs in Brees & J-Cut
2 Work Horse RBs in S-Jax and Mendy, Westbrook, McCoy and Donald Brown off the bench
#1 overall WR in V-Jax, the most consistent and underrated player in Welker, and a lil' firepower for my WR3
#1 and #2 TEs in Clark & V Davis
A nasty & filthy PIT Defense that will be #1 after a few of the upcoming tomato cans they have on the schedule.
A couple of good kickers in Folk & Elam operating out of domes

Mix well

Anybody want to see a team start 3-7 and win $1,000,000? I know I do.



For you youngsters that don't understand the picture at the top of the post.

All Galaxy

My apologizes to the two people who inquired about my lack of recent blog updates. Managing 50 fantasy teams can be quite time consuming. Going forward, I will be updating the blog weekly every Friday. Now, let's get down to business...

Yesterday was All Saints Day, and if you were smart you started all your Saints. I expect Drew Brees to put on an absolute passing clinic tonight on MNF.

Brees is at his best when he's at home and feels threatened by a good offense. ATL's secondary is banged up and will be playing catch-up all night. They won't even try to get the overrated Michael Turner and his 2 yards per pop going. I think ATL will be able to put up enough points through the air to keep this a contest until the 3rd qtr. I play in the PayTheFan contest where you can play any player any week, and I have been frothing at the mouth waiting for this week to unleash Brees. My man Drew is going to light up the Superdome to the tune of 410yds and 5 TDs. Get your popcorn ready, and enjoy the All Galaxy performance.

Pygmalion Team

I woke up the Sunday morning before the season started, sharpened my pencils, rolled out my spreadsheets and was all ready for my Beastieboys.com message board yahoo! draft.

Unfortunately, the first thing I see on my league page are the draft results from the draft that occurred the previous day.

Ooops

I was greeted with this big bag of auto-drafted crap:

Michael Turner
Peyton Manning
Pierre Thomas
Roy Williams
Braylon Edwards
Kevin Walter
Owen Daniels
NYJ
Stephen Gostkowski
Willis McGahee
Matt Cassel
Nate Burleson
Miles Austin
Brandon Pettigrew
Rian Lindell



That's what happens when you put the wrong draft date on your to do list and don't rank your players.

I headed for the waiver wire to see what the kids left me. I was surprised to find some quality players still available. I asked these scrubs for their play-books and sent them packing:


Matt Cassel
Miles Austin
Brandon Pettigrew
Rian Lindell
Willis McGahee

I picked up these guys in their place:

Donld Brown
Mike Bell
A Bradshaw
James Davis
Mike Bell

Yes, I added 5 RBs after dropping the only one should have kept in McGahee. My plan is having some of these RBs pop and moving the most overrated player of the 2009 season Michael Turner for an elite WR. Let's make some deals.

Trade 1:

I traded M Turner and O Daniels for Calvin Johnson and J Witten. I now have a stud at WR & TE but a big hole at RB1. That's fine I still have assets.

Trade 2:

Much like the market, I'm looking to buy low & sell high. Thank god for that confused and terrible TB secondary allowing Roy Williams to put up some numbers in the opener. I shipped Roy and Braylon Edwards off for another JUGGERNAUT favorite, PPG WR leader from last year, my man Anquan Boldin. Between the sub-par ARI pass protection and Warner's inability to throw it more than 25 yards in the air, my man Q is set up for another big year. I gave up two guys I hate for one guy I love. Roy Williams followed up his big start with his typical 1 catch for 11 yds in week2. Between Romo's Favreish game and the strong DAL run game, anyone expecting big things from the boys passing game (sans Witten) is going to be disappointed. Braylon was ok in week2, but I have no faith in him or anyone else in CLE consistently moving the ball.

So after two weeks, this is the roster:

P Manning
C Palmer (some dope dropped him in favor of Matt Sanchez)

Thank you sir. Enjoy your rookie QB on a run heavy team with a great defense. Sanchez has looked very good, but he's not a great fantasy QB.

Pierre Thomas - What the fuck is a Lynell Hamilton anyway? If Pierre grabs hold of the job that was his and stays healthy. He will be a top10 RB, maybe top5.
Mike Bell - Pierre insurance

Donald Brown - love him, he could be a monster if Addai goes down. I think he will be starting by week8.
A Bradshaw -

Beanie Wells - Another waiver wire gem that can make some serious noise down the stretch.

WRs
Calvin Johnson - He's a top3 WR.
Anquan Boldin

Nasty Nate Burrelson
Kevin Walter
Johnny Knox - I picked him up and dropped a much hyped Chris Henry

Jay Cutler has a knack for making good WRs great. I think we might have found our boy in Knox. I wanted a Bear on my team and you can't find a WR with a cooler name than Johnny Knox.

I only have one spot filled at each of TE, D, & K - but I have the cream of the crop at each position:

Witten
Gostkoswki
NY Jets

I have one more move to make. There is a mope in my league who loves, loves, loves him some Peyton Manning. He has Chris Johnson, but I have a feeling, he will soon be mine. I can now move Manning for a stud back since I have Palmer.

I'm not going to propose the trade for him after the historic week Chris Johnson just had. I will wait until after this week because Manning is going to absolutely light up that good run stopping, no pass defending ARI squad while Chris Johnson & Tennessee struggle against an awesome NY Jet D.

P Manning vs. ARI - 380yds, 4tds

C Johnson vs NYJ - 74yds, 0 tds

Here's the current roster:

P Manning
C Palmer

P Thomas
M Bell
D Brown
A Bradshaw
C Wells

Megatron
A Boldin
K Walters
Nasty Nate
J Knox

Witten
Gostkowski
NY Jets

At 2-0, my team is looking good.




This is a good lesson for those who are dealt a bad hand and just give up. With a little creativity and elbow grease you can turn a sack of crap into something that makes you smile.

FF Wars: Episode VI – Revenge of the Sloth

Read the first two parts of the story or else this shit make you feel confused and gassy, mostly gassy.

FF Wars: Episode VI - Revenge of the Sloth

Part 3

Back on the rebel ship Han Welker informs me that we are going back to their secret rebel base to meet their master.

I search for answers.

“Why is he so interested in me?”

“There is an old prophecy that a chosen one will introduce the perfect draft strategy and bring balance to the FF Galaxy. Our master believes you are that chosen one”

Brady Skywalker informs me.

“Sometimes” Welker chirps

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Well, if asked our master asked last Friday you were the chosen one, by Sunday you weren’t. Tuesday night came and he decided to anoint you the chosen one, again”

“That shit gets old, yo”

Our ship lands and I’m shocked as the doors open to reveal this indecisive master.

One of the oldest and well known QB masters stands before me. He is Obi Favre Maybe Obi.



“Hey, thanks for coming.” He greats me with his laid back southern galaxy charm.

“Thanks for sending your guys and helping me out back there. I’m a bit confused though. I heard you joined the dark side and it didn’t really work out for you, so you retired again. I didn’t realize you were back in the game.”

“Well, yeah. They kind of turned on me over there. I heard about your great FF knowledge and thought that if I joined forces with you I could get my revenge on them.”

“Revenge? I thought this was about bringing balance to the galaxy.”

“Oh, did I say revenge? I meant balance. That was my daughter who was talking about revenge? She’s so sweet. I was taking her to school and…”

Suddenly animal bones rain down around us.

“Robble, robble, Favre, robble gobble football”

“Boom!”











The nastiest and most grotesque mob boss in the galaxy lands in front of us.

Jabba the Madden points a half eaten turkey leg at me.

“Ha, ha, robble it was I who robble told Emperor Al about your BOOM! vast FF knowledge. Robble gobble Bang Zoom!, I knew the potential shift of power would bring you back out of robble hiding Favre Obi.

“You put this whole thing together just to bring me out of retirement?”

“Why”

“I missed you” Jabba solemnly tells Favre Obi.

“I was robble enjoying a delicious Rancor leg when Boom! I started crying and I realized that it wasn’t just the same without you”.

“Oh, Jabba, I can’t say no to you.”

Obi Favre Maybe Obi looks at his comrades.

“Sorry guys, I’m gonna switch back to the other side for a little bit”

Obi Favre points at me and confidently utters as an obtuse and perplexing thing that only he can muster.

“You can choose to be the chosen one if you choose to choose that.”





Whack!

I awaken to the sound of my 4 year old son who has slammed his light saber next to my head on the couch.

“Are you ready to party Dadda”

I am

Enjoy the football season everyone.



Bears!

Dynamic Duo

You have 1 day left.


After Thursday you are going to have to pay a much larger price for two of my favorite draft selections. Both Donald Brown (77%) and LeSean McCoy (70%) make their network TV prime time debut on Fox when the Eagles travel to the Colts.

But Juggernaut, I like these guys and I wanted to draft them according to their ADPs, but they weren’t there when I thought they would be.

That’s probably because I swooped in and gobbled them up 5 – 10 picks before their known ADP. While many have been wasting their picks in the same rounds on the Kyle Ortons (3%), Ted Ginns (0%) and Michael Crabtrees (0%) of the world I have been loading up on these 2 Juggernaut favorites.

If you like a player you have to be willing to pay a little bit more than the next guy.

But Juggernaut, they aren’t even starters.

Jospeh Addai (0%) sucks, and the Colts took Brown in the 1st round for a reason. Addai has topped 100 yds once in his past 20 games. Do you think the Colts are happy with that lack of production? I know what did make the Colts happy was seeing my man Brown turn his 1st 3 sensational looking runs last weekend into 55 yards, against the MIN top run defense . Brown will be starting by week 4 and he will be a top10, maybe top5 RB (PPG) this year.

My Over / Under on starts for Brown is 10.

Giggaty

Westbrook is still one of the best players in the league, but between the likelihood of him being injured and the use of LeSean to keep him fresh, LeSean will be a borderline weekly flex / RB2 play. If he gets starts because Westbrook is hurt, he’s also a top 10 maybe top 5 back. He is a perfect fit for the Philly system and will be productive even when Westbrook starts.

Giggaty goo

My Over / Under on starts for McCoy is 4.

Both of my guys will be rocketing up the draft boards as Joe Buck and Troy Aikman hurl superlatives at them Thursday night. I’m almost done drafting so enjoy having to draft them a round or three earlier than I did. Sheep follow other sheep to slaughter, the Fox chills with a cocktail and watches the points roll up on Sunday afternoons.

*The percentage that trails the player name is the Juggernaut ownership percentage.

Yawn

I'm not surprised at all Favre signed with the Vikes today. In true JUGGERNAUT form I called it last Wednesday.








Here's my post from 8/12/09:

BOLD PREDICTION: Favre still signs with Vikes.

As soon as he sees Sage throws a bad pass he'll be on the phone with good old Buzz Cook.

1. He left the door open with his last round of shenanigans.
2. His football juices will be flowing watching the pre-season games this weekend.
3. He wanted to skip as much camp as possible
4. Childress spent all off-season fantasizing and drawing up plays. I don't care what the Vikes brass said, they will still take him
5. You know it's killing him right now that he hasn't gotten a mention EPSN or the NFL network in the past 2 days.
6. I've seen Tavaris throw a deep ball, it's not pretty

As a Bear fan, I hope he comes back. I think Sage is a better fit there and I would love to see the boys put him on the ground a few more times.



The Vikings have a fantastic defense and excellent skill players. I think they are an 11 - 5 team with or with out him. I think because of his name and surrounding cast he will be a borderline pro-bowler. Sure there will be some high light reel plays where he dumps it off to Percy and he takes it 60 yds for a TD. He'll also throw some stupid picks. From a fantasy standpoint I expect to outperform Ben Roethlisburger, Eli Manning and Tony Romo.
I'm looking forward to him bringing his sorry ass to Chicago 12/28 and wanting no part of the frigid Chicago winds howling off the lake. I hope the division is on the line as he makes his typical Favretastic play and throws a pick 6 to Lance Briggs ending the Vikes division title hopes. You don't get to play all your games in a dome champ. Favre is 1-5 in his last 6 vs. the Bear, where he was outscored 140 - 63. I like our chances vs a gunslinger with a rusty old pistol.

Don’t believe the hype.

Recently Yahoo! did a piece on last year’s $1,000,000 FFOC winner Shane Schroeder. I came to the following conclusions after reading the piece; Shane is either much, much luckier than I originally thought or he’s very clever. I think it’s more likely the former rather than the latter. I’m still shocked he won after essentially wasting his first two picks by drafting two of the biggest busts last year in Addai and Larry Johnson. I knew both of those scrubs were way overvalued last year and didn’t draft either one of them on any of my ten teams.

Here is some of Shane’s advice for this year:

“I lean toward running backs; I’ve always done that.”

“There were quite a few young players who performed well last year so I think people are drafting rookies a little higher than they should,”

I urge anyone who drafts with me to follow his advice, because I think it sucks.

I don’t know which RBs he plans on overpaying for this year, but I hope they are the same guys I have been avoiding. I’m more than happy taking a few stud WRs with my first few picks and then rolling the dice in the later rounds on some high upside rookie and 2nd year RBs. Kids, this is how you draft like a champion:

Pick 9 - 85` Bears III
Round 1 : WR Larry Fitzgerald
Round 2 : WR Randy Moss
Round 3 : QB Donovan McNabb
Round 4 : RB Pierre Thomas
Round 5 : QB Matt Schaub
Round 6 : RB Darren McFadden
Round 7 : TE Greg Olsen
Round 8 : RB Chris Wells
Round 9 : TDSP Pittsburgh Steelers
Round 10 : RB Felix Jones
Round 11 : WR Donald Driver
Round 12 : RB LeSean McCoy
Round 13 : WR Percy Harvin
Round 14 : WR Chris Chambers
Round 15 : WR Mark Clayton
Round 16 : RB Tim Hightower
Round 17 : QB Marc Bulger
Round 18 : TE Vernon Davis
Round 19 : K Kris Brown
Round 20 : K Shayne Graham

Keep in mind this is a 2 QB league.
I didn’t take a RB until round 4 and I’m more than happy going to war with squad:

Donovan McNabb
Matt Schaub
Marc Bulger

Two top10 QBs, one of those guys could flirt with top5.

Larry Fitzgerald
Randy Moss
Donald Driver
Percy Harvin
Chris Chambers
Mark Clayton

I have the top 2 WRs & love having Driver’s consistency as my WR3

Pierre Thomas
Darren McFadden
Chris Wells
Felix Jones
LeSean McCoy
Tim Hightower

All of my backs will contribute and any one of them is an injury or depth chart change away from being a top10 back, maybe top5.

Greg Olsen
Vernon Davis

Solid

Pittsburgh Steelers

#1 D

Kris Brown
Shayne Graham

Meh, what can you really say about kickers?

Maybe you shouldn’t take my advice since I didn’t make the final 15 last year and win any of that Vegas money. Yeah, you should follow Shane’s lead since he finished 1st and won the million. Gotta go, off to the draft room!

Didn't get my PE itch fully scratched.

All Ugly Team

There’s a large contingent of mouth breathers that still believe Obama is a Muslim assassin that wasn’t born in this country. They stomped their feet and demanded to see his birth certificate. I say the real search should be for Chris Hovan’s birth certificate. I am convinced he is some ½ hog ½ man type creature that was created at some kind of Dr. Moreau's island operation.

Chris Hoavn





Yikes! I hope you can handle a close-up. "I saw him! I saw the Pigman Jerry".







Martin Gramatica

Everyteam needs a kicker, and you could do a whole piece on ugly kickers.I think you can pick either of the flying Granaitca brothers to lead the group.







Mark Gastineau


I know the 80’s weren’t good to allot of us, especially when we stepped up the barber’s chair and said “Hey, make me look like a big ugly poodle.” I think Mark Gastineau takes the cake. A real stroke, he's one of the originators of the ‘I just jumped on the pile and recorded ½ an assisted sack’ dance. If by some chance of fate you are ever tempted by Bridgette Neilson, remember ‘Gas’ had her, then Rocky, then Flava Flav. That’s not a list you want your name on.





Dwayne Rudd
Ok, I know Dwayne's not that ugly, but I've always hated his ass, so he gets a nod. Most Bears fans will always remember Dwayne for heckling a would be tackler and putting the ball in his face as he ran backwards into the endzone on an interception return. He is the only player in NFL history to cost his team a game for prematurely celebrating by taking off his helmet and showing the world his shame. Dwaye, this ugly mug's for you.



AJ Hawk
Ok, this is the last time I mess with the Hawkster, at least for this week. Do an image search for AJ Hawk and you'll find some fun stuff. Here are a few:



This photo has not been edited.



I don't know how big the truck full of cash was that Under Armour backed up to his crib, but wow, let that lil' guy breathe.

FF Wars: Episode V – The Quest for Traffic

(make sure you read part 1, Epsisode IV first or this shit will make no sense)

I awaken, my face is covered again. I hear two voices engaged in a celebratory conversation. They speak in English, but I have a hard time making out what’s being said. One voice is garbled and hard to understand. The only words I can make out are the interjections he emphasizes. The other voice is unquestionably Bobba Vick.

“I will bring him to you..”

The conversation ends and I hear a few clicks as I feel the ship hurl us through space.

“What are going to do with me?”

The feared killer walks over and takes the hood of my head.

“I’m taking you to see someone” The bounty hunter tells me.

“Who?”

“You’ll see when we get there. Now if you keep asking me questions we gonna have a little fun. For starters I’m gonna choke your ass a little, then I’m gonna…”

Suddenly an explosion rocks the ship’s cabin. It quickly fills with smoke and flames.
Boba Vick tightly grips the controls as he fights to keep the ship from crashing. We slam into the ground with a viscous thud. I see a light beam cut into the side of the ship, a piece of the ship is kicked in. Two of the most well known rebels in the FF galaxy enter; Brady Skywalker & Han Welker.





“What’s good, yo?” Han Welker looks in Boba Vick’s direction.

“Aw, yeah. We’ve been looking for your punk ass”

Welker aims his blaster at Boba vick.

Boba Vick hits a button on his belt and his jet pack propels him through a window out of the ship and into space.

“I’m gonna get that weasel” Solo informs his friend.

“Let’s worry about him later. We have to get this guy out of here”

Brady Skywalker offers me his hand.

“Brady Skywalker, good to meet you”

“I know you, you’re in those commercials.”

My comment aggravates Han Welker.

“Yeah, ask him how many times he’s lead the galaxy in receptions. He hasn’t done shit yet, and he’s getting seven figures to pimp fancy underwear. That shit doesn’t leave too much to the imagination, just ask your boy.”

“He’s not my boy. He’s just my sister’s boyfriend” Skywalker angrily tells Solo.

“Yeah, he’s your boy. Why you let him stay at your crib if he ain’t your boy?”

“You’re just jealous because you used to kick it with her, until she met him.”

“Yeah, he’s a catch, two hundred fifty pounds of dynamite with a ¼ fuse. Why don’t you go oil up your chest or something.”

The object of the debate walks into the ship. He is the mighty ChewHawka.



I’ve heard many tales of the mighty ChewHawka, he's an imposing figure. But, what the fuck is going on with his crotch? I become fixated with it as I fight the urge to stare at it.

“What you guys talking bout?”

Brady Skywalker scrambles for an answer as Welker giggles to himself.

“Stuff” Brady informs him.

“We were just talking about how we were sent on this mission by our master”

“Who is your master, and why is he interested in me” I ask.

“Um, he uh, kinda took an oath to get out of the war, so he sent us”

Not even the curious answers to my query about this mysterious master can take me attention away from ChewHawka’s crotch.

Jesus…I hope I wake up soon.

What kind of other whacky creatures will I run into next?

Find out in the final installment Episode VI...or is it Episode III, no it’s VI – Revenge of the Sloth!

FF WARS: Episode IV - Escape from Oakland

I have been spending way too much time thinking about fantasy football lately. I couldn’t sleep last night as I pondered the choice of handcuffing Adrian Peterson or selecting a timeshare RB with upside. I had to do something. I thought watching a movie might take my mind off all this madness. I put on one of my favorites; The Empire Strikes Back. My football thoughts intermingled with the movie as I drift off to sleep. My conscience was devoured by a bizarre world of FF and intergalactic chaos. This is my best attempt to give you a view into my mind’s eye and share my experience with you. I give you:



FF Wars
Part IV – Escape from Oakland

Some kind of cloth tightly covers my head. The cloth is semi-transparent but I still can’t see anything clearly. Blurry images slither around the dark room as I try to figure who or what brought me here. Suddenly, I hear pneumatics trigger a door open and a large heavy breathing figure marches towards me. He rips the cloth off my head and walks past me into the shadows. I don’t get a chance to turn and look as a voice in the distance startles me.

“Do you know why you are here?”

The dark cloaked figure asks.

“I don’t know where the hell I am, or who you are.”

He slowly turns to reveal himself.

“I am Emperor Al. The most powerful being in the galaxy”



“Oh, I know you. You're that old crazy guy that can’t draft…”

“Silence!”

Do you realize how easily I could crush you?

“I have brought you here for a reason. I’ve been told that you have the best FF mind in the galaxy. I need your knowledge to complete the circle. With my wealth and power and your knowledge, together we can rule the FF Galaxy! Will you join me?”

“Well my wife is pregnant and I have to work tomorrow… “

“Silence!”

“Why do you keep asking me questions, and then scream silence?”

“Yeah, my mind’s kinda going on me.”

“Listen, I’m flattered, but you’re crazy and tough to look at it. I think I’m gonna have to go ahead and say no.”

“I can’t let your powerful mind be an asset to one of my adversaries.”

“Destroy him my apprentice!”

The large heavy breathing figure steps out from the shadows.

He is Emperor Al’s apprentice, Darth Russell.



He raises his hands and uses some kind of force type power to hurl objects from around the room at me. I’m too shocked to move. I stand frozen as one after one the objects land at me feet and fly over my head.

“Dammit” He screams.

One of the wayward objects breaks a door open. I take my chance and run through it. I run down a corridor and hear a voice instruct me.

“This way if you want to live!”

A cloaked figure in blue jeans motions for me to move to the left. He scurries into the doorway. I follow behind and find myself on a runway. The helpful cloaked figure has disappeared. In the distance I see a fur covered vehicle with floppy ears. It looks like the car from Dumb and Dumber with wings.

A football shaped light object slams against the wall a few feet above my head. Darth Russell is still in hot pursuit just a few feet behind me.

I enter the ship, slam it into gear and take off into the unknown. A few minutes pass as I gather my thoughts. I hear a noise from behind me, I turn and see the galaxy’s most feared killer for fire; Boba Vick. He hits me with the blunt end of his rifle and knocks me out.



Is this the end for me?
How crazier can this shit get?
Does this dream mean anything?

Will these questions be answered in the next installment?

Episode V – The Quest for Traffic

Fuck Tony Dungy

Yeah, that's right. Fuck Tony Dungy. A few years ago Tony Dungy freaked out and caused a ruckus over a MNF / Desperate Housewives spot that featured a towel only clad Nicollette Sheridan and Terrell Owens. He said that it it was racist because it played to the stereotype that black male athletes like hot blond women.




I'm guessing Tony's not a fan of either the 'Kendra' or the Kardashian show.

Sooooooo, a suggestive TV spot is outrageous and racist, but my man couldn't wait to take an alleged dog torturer like Mike Vick under his wing and show him the light. Ok to torture dogs, but not ok to be in a commercial with a woman wearing only a towel?

Don't get me wrong, I think Vick, like any person, or dog, deserves a second chance. By all accounts Vick wasn't so compassionate when one of his dogs lost a fight, but he did his time and deserves the right to earn a living. But the fact that Moral High Priest Dungy has decided to take him under his wing is currently stuck firmly in my craw.

I mean, it's not like a good amount of NFL players are adulterous seed spreaders with a divorce rate that by some estimates is as high as 80%. I wonder why the divorce rate is so high? Not because they could possibly be so outrageously unfaithful. Let's ask Steve McNair about that one...oh wait. Too soon? I don't want to make light of a man losing his life but I hope the McNair tragedy serves as a reminder that maybe some big-ballin' athletes might be better served spending time at home with their family opposed to be out buying Escalades for crazy broads with itchy trigger fingers. The world could use a few less children without fathers who want to be a part of their life.



Don't keep more than one floozy at the same condo at the same time fellas!

Sometimes stereotypes are a little closer to reality then we would like to believe.

You could field an entire team with the offspring of Derrick Thomas and Shawn Kemp, maybe a deep practice squad too.

By all accounts Tony is generally a 'good guy' and a very religious man. I guess thou shall not be in a commercial with a hot blonde supersedes Thou Shall Not Kill.

Priorities Tony, priorities...

Camp Report: Beware of Bears

I wanted to send someone to Bears camp who would look at everything objectively and not let their blind love for the team stand in the way of fair and balanced reporting. Well, we couldn't find a person that would accept a six pack of Old Style, 2 Italian Beefs and $10 in gas money to do it. Instead, we sent long time Bears fan and Joliet, IL native Dan Ballinski. Here is his unedited report:

When I first got to camp I was excited to see how packed the parking lot was. Bean bags and sausages my friend. I have been at every Bear camp since 1988 except 1998 and I can say I have not seen so many of my Bear fan brothers out in full force. I heard that there was more than 6,000 spectators in the house. That's the most since 1986 when a certain team, led by a certain man known only as Iron Mike led us to the promise land. Let me tell you this my friend, this is another special team led by another special man. This man's name is Jay Cutler.



He hasn't thrown an official pass as a Bear yet, but I can tell you this - he will be the greatest NFL quarterback of all time.
He seemed to float over horizon as he strutted onto the field. He only signed a few autographs, but that's ok, I don't want my QB wasting his energy signing autographs. Although, I'm sure he has plenty of energy in those strong, rippling biceps. I heard that he bench pressed 300lbs over 50 times at the combine a few years ago. Anyway, he got behind center and right out of the box, zing! right to Hester who took it to the house. Holy crap is this guy good!

The next series he was even better, he hit Olsen and then Rashied Davis with a rocket fueled pass that bounced off his hands. I yelled at him, I said 'Hey Jay, take it easy you're gonna break his hands!". I think he looked in my direction, but I don't know for sure. Wow! This guy is awesome. Fuck Favre. Too bad Walter couldn't have been here to see this guy. He would have been so proud. R.I.P Sweetness.

You won't believe what happened next. They lined Cutler up in this wildcat formation. The fans started going nuts. He lined up on the left and Hester took the snap. Hester busted it up the middle for a nice little gain. Crap are you serious? Cutler and Hester in the wildcat? This could be the next Montana to Rice, or better! Think Montana to Rice and then Rice back to Montana times two. This is going to be unstoppable! Cutler will throw at least 50 TDs and break the record. He might catch another 25 out of this formation. How's that for a wrinkle? He might have 75 TDs total this year.

Stop that Packers!

Ballinski Out

The classics never die.

Five other things Brian Urlacher may have said to Bobby Wade this past weekend in Vegas.

5. I'm not your Bro, Bro

4. You know how many douchebags coppied this barbwire bicep tatoo off of me? Like, alot that's how many.

3. Holy shit bro! I don't think she's breathing.

2. I, just...really feel safe in your arms right now.

1. Sex Cruise? Hell yeah, I'm down.

Who's gott the Motts?

I hear allot of people chirping about how they good they are. I challenge them to actually make a case based on results and reality, not just their own grandiose self concept. Here are some aspects of what make me one of the best:

Passion for the game





I fell in love with football at the tender age of 10 when my Chicago Bears captured not only the imagination of the sports world but the imagination of the entire world. Their absolute dominance in such a physical sport combined with all the larger than life personalities helped to create both one of the most feared and loved sports teams in history. I've been in love with the game ever since. I picked up the art of prognostication at an early age as my dad would bring home parlay cards for us to play. Every Thursday night I could be found going over stats in the paper along with my parlay cards. "That Miami passing game is overrated and no match for the balanced Buffalo attack. I'm gonna key the Bills, give me them with the 4 and the hook all day long" I would say as my 12 year old voice cracked. My five dollars allowance just turned into twenty.

IT Background

For the past 15 years I've been working professionally with technology focusing heavily on database design. I've used much of this knowledge to my advantage participating in various leagues and contests. I have formulas and models that you will never see because they are too valuable to me for competition purposes. I'm now starting to incorporate new technologies used by various new media outlets to keep my data as fresh as possible. The early bird gets the worm, and as far as breaking news goes, I don't sleep.



The proof is in the pudding.

I have been playing fantasy football for about 10 years. I started in cold, public yahoo! leagues and then moved to online leagues with cash payouts. I played in a 'free' contest and quickly gave up on it because of the fee every time you change your player. The next year in 2004 I tried it again and started off hot, real hot. I was ranked #1 overall for weeks 6 through 11 out of over 34,000 players. I hung in there but finished 9th overall with a few more teams in the top 20. I think I won $500 dollars between my teams. The thrill of being ranked #1 out of so many people really hooked me. I got a whiff of that $10,000 grand prize and I wanted more. The next few years I hunted for higher stakes contests but they all seemed to only pay 50%-60% of what they took in.

The Big Time

In 2007 I heard about a contest with large payouts and a reasonable entry fee. I entered that contest and it went belly-up the next day. Luckily, on opening day 2007 year I heard a radio spot for a similar high stakes contest in it's inaugural year. I entered and spent most the year dancing around the top 10. I was on fire down the stretch and went from 13th to 2nd in the final three weeks. My $69 entry fee turned into $125,000. In 2008 I entered 10 teams in the FFOC contest that awarded a top prize of a million dollars. I drafted real well and started out hot. Considering the success I had the previous year I was pretty excited to see one of my teams #1 on the leader board after week 1.

By week8 of the contest 4 of my 10 teams were in the top 37 out of 6,660 teams. My ten teams combined for about a .750% win percentage, six of the teams made it to league championship games week 10. Unfortunately, those 6 teams went 1 - 5 and I didn't last too long in the play-offs. I think my top team finished 51st, not bad out of 6,660 but not the success I have grown a custom to. I played the other contest that I finished 2nd in the previous year and finished 31st out of about 2,000 teams. Pretty good again, but not good enough.

What makes someone an expert?

It's not a journalism degree. It's not an expensive haircut and a pretty mug. It's not that you've been playing since Vince Evans was slinging it. It's passion for the game, good prognostication skills and the ability to gather and access all the information you can to make quality informed decisions.

It's all these factors that have contributed to me becoming one of the best fantasy football experts in the World. If you want to prove me wrong, let me know where you play at and I'll show you what time it is.

Juggernaut

Do you think you are one of the best? Email me your credentials and I'll consider adding you to the FF Juggernaut list of top 10 experts.

Exclusive interview with the world's best FF player!

Recently I sat down with the person I believe to be the foremost expert in fantasy football, myself.

You seem pretty confident that you’re going to win the FFOC.com $1,000,000 top prize. How did you do last year?

I bought a 10 pack, went to 6 championship games and went 1 – 5.

Ha ha, 1 – 5. That’s brutal, so how far did your one measly one team go in the play-offs?

I didn’t make the 59 team cut week 14. I wasn’t very close either, fucking Favre.



That’s what you get for relying on Favre to bring you to the promised land.

I didn’t have him, I had Cotchery and his 20 yards. My man Brees had one of his worst games, that didn’t help.

So you didn’t finish in the top 15 or even come close. What makes you think you make it to Vegas this year?

I’ll put my drafting & management skills up against anyone. Last year Brees and AP sat at the top of my draft board. I had a top 2 pick 3 times and didn’t take Tomlinson or any of the other scrubs people were salivating all over. Rodgers & Cutler were the two QBs I had as my break-outs. I drafted some fantastic teams, but had one major flaw in my philosophy. Trying to fix the deficiencies that were caused by that flaw hurt my teams all year.

What was the major flaw?

Shit, why don’t I just give you my car keys and my wallet too?

Did the flaw have anything to do with you dropping McFadden during the 1st pre-season FA period?

Hey, that shit was a software glitch! It's a good idea to not enter FA bids at 2:00 AM btw.

There are some serious players in the FFOC. What makes you think you can beat a guy like Chad who amazingly put two teams in the final 15 and won another high stakes contest?

I was doing quite well last year and was curious to see how I was stacked up to other expert owners. I pulled the data for the top 500 teams as of week 8 and analyzed it. These two people stood out in the data set:

Donald T. – 9 teams in the top 500, 4 in the top 100, 1 in the top 50.

Chad S. – 8 teams in the top 500, 3 in the top 100, 1 in the top 50 – ranked 2nd overall.

I had 4 teams in the top 100, all 4 of them were in the top 37 teams. I’m not sure how many teams both of these guys had, but I think they both had twice as many or more than I did. According to the data, I had the best chance to go to Vegas, but a lot happens between weeks 8 and 15. Data doesn’t lie.

Wow, congrats on your play as of week8. That and a buck fifty will get you a ride on a bus. You ever think that maybe your over-confidence is your Achilles heel?

No, I think having to face Thomas Jones and his 150 yards and 3 TDs a few times had something to do with my failure during championship week.

You think you’re the best at player projections and determining draft value. Care to offer insight on what you think as we head into draft season?

Not until the season starts, it wouldn’t be too smart to help my competition.


What’s the point of a FF blog if you aren’t going to offer any of your self-proclaimed world’s best FF knowledge?

I’ll drop some knowledge here and there. I have two goals for the blog, I want to find out who the best fantasy football experts are and entertain those who enjoy the game.

Good luck this season.

Luck is overrated; I want to compete against those counting on luck.